Hearing Heart

Right now John Mayer is singing the acoustic version of Free Falling....kinda makes me melt. That has absolutely nothing to do with my thoughts to blog about tonight, but nevertheless very important.

I feel kinda foolish right now. I feel I am not at all what I should be. That is such a negative, vague, and sweeping statement, but it seems true. These feelings mostly have to do with my career right now. It is a strange thing to go to the length of believing that you have a certain vocation or calling on your life and then to not actually be permitted to flourish in it, or at least in the way I had hoped. It’s a very strange thing when you have all the training and passion in the world, but not have a place to invest or channel it the way I had dreamed. It's been two years now of subbing, of being in and out of classrooms and tons of kids lives, sometimes there for a day, sometimes several weeks, and at times even months, but always temporary. And suddenly now, after being able to rest in the fact that I would get multiple calls a day, daily sub jobs are becoming so hard to come by. Last night I went to bed so discouraged with no job that I knew of, adding up all the days that I have not been able to take jobs, and texted Matt, Lauren, Abie, Lynn, and Melissa to pray, and that I was feeling anxious and then woke early to accept a job in....8th grade science. I drove to school and prepared to be devoured. I hardly take middle school jobs, but when I do, many of them I have left depleted and frustrated.

And so running late, I scurried into the office and then a student..named Mercy...no accident it seemed, helped me find my classroom. And the day...seamless. We just talked about inertia and forces and then they took notes, we played a silly get to know you game, and then they were gone. Really awesome kids. But something in me felt like I had been at war…all this a fight to have faith that something really would come through.

But Lynn, with confidence sends me a text saying "God knows what you need. He will provide…” I know Lynn. I know that….why don’t I believe it?

“Before they call, I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear.”

“It is not of course that prayer changes God or awakens in him purposes of love and compassion which he has not already felt. No, it changes us, and therein lies it’s glory and purpose. It helps us to utter dependence on God and gives him the opportunity to confirm our trust in Him and experience his grace in a way which would be absolutely impossible otherwise. He has got everything planned in order to meet all our needs before ever we realize what they are. But in order to teach us this joy of dependence and trust, He waits for us to ask. And perhaps he allows us to miss a very great deal and suffer needless deprivations just because we say, “Prayer doesn’t change God and he knows what I need” No prayer doesn’t change God, but not to make our requests known in joyful trust does deprive Him of the joy of granting our requests, and it does deprive us of the joy of experiencing His loving, intimate interest in every detail of our lives. ” (Hearing Heart, Hannah Hurnard)

I know this…for heavens sake, I took a class on prayer in undergrad. But I don’t think it prompts my actions all that often because well, quite honestly in my prayer life, I’m exhausted. And the only reason I think this could be so is because I really have been using prayer to try to change God’s mind or convince him of something he might not otherwise know….which is all quite arrogant of me, among other things. But if I’m not persuading him to do something, then what is prayer actually “changing”? All I know is that I’m trying…trying to live in that place that screams that if God doesn’t show up, then well, ya. You would think I would be someone who has tasted and seen enough that the Lord is good…that I would believe his love is actually indeed for me too. Why is it is so difficult to get my mind around the idea that God is lovingly and intimately interested in every detail of my life?

I need you...God who sees me....I need you in this vulnerable, passionate, broken place. Engage me.

January 13

It was hard to wake today
I wanted it, to hold the day
But I was to weak to clench it
So I lay there and spoke to sunlight
She encouraged me
Wading through days of mornings far too rushed
I drive far too recklessly,
Chances are I always will
And with a new friend I play with laughter and melodies
hOPE.
My hands tremble
Will anyone see?
They could never know the battle that raged in my body.
I did not back down, I will not surrender
You will know me with the heart of a warrior.
Silent though I stay, its not for lack of words,
Just the awareness of this moment.

all

All I want to know today Lord is that you are big enough
for the mess I've made inside myself.
All I want to know is that yes, there are even words for this heart here.
All I want to know is that if what was meant to be learned is still yet to be learned, that your grace would be my classroom.
All I want to know is that I'm not too much for you.
That's all I want.

Be More Quiet Now....

I just needed to be silenced with this today:

Ecclesiastes 5
Have Respect for God
1 Be careful what you say when you go to God's house. Go there to listen. Don't be like foolish people when you offer your sacrifice. They do what is wrong and don't even know it.

2 Don't be too quick to speak.
Don't be in a hurry to say anything to God.
He is in heaven. You are on earth.
So use only a few words when you speak.
3 Dreams come to people when they worry a lot.
When foolish people talk, they use too many words.

I'm Barb's daughter.

It is pretty common for kids to be more naturally drawn to one parent or the other. I feel like I'm lucky enough to have grown to need to be both a daddy's girl and a my momma's girl at the same time. But this is why I'm my momma's girl.

I got to spend a lot of important moments with my mom, just mom and me time growing up. Summer days and the hours just after school belonged to us. I loved doing even the silly mundane things with her like grocery store shopping simply because we were together...that and because if I went I always got to pick out my own treats for my lunches and snacks. "I think you need that," she would often say even though we both knew I could certainly do without razzleberry Squeeze Its.

My mom does a lot of things well, but one thing I love about her is that she does a good job making sure everyone has their favorite things. Favorite cookie. Favorite blanket. Favorite T.V. show. Favorite beer. Favorite smell....just because she knows that a life full of favorite things make people's cups full, and when their cup is full, people are inclined to be more generous....and being generous is fun.

And if by making sure someone's favorite kind of cookie is on the shelf, you have inspired someone to be more generous, than that's just sheer brillance.

Love you momma. Here's to you.

Los Ultimos

The following comes straight from the ol journal on my last full day in Costa Rica. We spent our last days in Nicoya in Guanacaste a much more rural area in CR. We spent four amazing days soaking up life there and getting to know Rosy's family. This was just one day.

Last day in Costa Rica baby-down to the real last one...and it’s weird how quickly life here has become normal....yet I still so miss everyONE-not necessarily everyTHING, back home. I am learning that so much of life here is about the process-of cracking panfuls of roasted cashews-the process of using a two dozen limes to make lemonade-the process of waiting an hour for the next bus, the process of cracking open 100+ clams, each with less than an ounce of meat within, the process of making coffee through a sieve, the process of cooking over a wood stove, the porcess of waiting to head home, but being asked to stay fully present even still.

Yesterday Rosie was able to reunite with 3 of her brothers that she hadn’t seen in years-so many that two of them had never even seen Meli, who is now 21 and has a son. Th first brother actually drove to pick us up and take us to each place we were headed. We picked up his wife and met the second brother at his construction job. Rosy was so precious-she fell apart at the first sight of him. He bought us all drinks and we stopped to talk for awhile....where do you even start after this much time? I can’t even imagine that scenario being a possibility, but it was just totally different for each one of them growing up.

Then we headed further down the road to Bonavacio’s (another brother) who has his own shrimp farm. He and his family have a very humble house planted on a couple acres of land with a huge lake. We greeted everyone and then started the long trek around the lake to see the other side. Bonavacio caught some shrimp for us so we could see them and they were huge! We took a boat ride in a paddle boat and walked back. Then out of nowhere, just when were thinking about how long it might be until we ate again, mama love (Bono’s wife) brings out huge beautiful plates of food of beans, rice, shrimp, noodles, and salad. I’ve been almost amazed at how much I’ve been able to eat here, or at least how I’ve been able to clean my plate and then grab more-fish, meat, chicken, whatever it is-it’s gone in seconds. And I haven’t been sick of beans and rice. In fact, my heart dropped a bit last night when I was filling my plate and I though there were no black beans for that place on my plate.

While we ate, Bonovacio’s family decided they wanted to send us home with a gift...of a live chicken. The youngest son through a net over the chicken, mama love tied him up and there was dinner to go. Lauren and I looked at Rosie with eyes full of a cross between utter fear and sadness...(Confession....Lauren felt bad for the chicken...I was more concerned about the ride home)....so Rosie convinced them to let the chicken go in the end.

So I ate, and out of surrendering to the fact that as gringos, we never know what the hell is going on-if we are going to be there for two hours or ten minutes, I laid down on the cement porch, “muerta de cansada”, and fell asleep.

Eventually we headed out again, and in complete silence bearing the heat and the lack of space in the back seat. Rosie tried to hide her tears behind her sunglasses. Nevertheless, they flowed until she fell asleep.

When we got home, we waited around for cold showers, and Rosy brought us ice cream and snuck whole sleeves of cookies in our purses. We played Spit in the rain before dinner. We ate an amazing fish dinner and then Lauren and I laid in our beds and laughed and talked with Lulie (another roommate) and at our entire package of cookies. Later Miguel, Rosy’s 19 year old nephew who has his own band asked me to translate one of their songs into English and then we played around trying to record it. Now Jerry (Miguels’s BFF) has his work cut out for him trying to learn how to rap in Engligh. It was a really cool connection piece to one, be able to help by translating lyrics and then to be able to sing it with them too. Before Jerry took off, all of us just sat and talked on the front porch. We tried to teach the boys some English...at least enough to let them know how to call eachother names with, and then there was the exchange of some very special stupid human tricks, like being able to move your scalp or ears without moving any other part of your face or all the stupid sounds you can make with just your mouth and hand.

Every night I’ve slept so perfectly here even though the mattress was terrible. And so I wake again to be able to say-tomorrow-tomorrow I get to see my Josh and my Kristin.

And as always, when I woke, Rosy tells me that there’s coffee ready and then just when my cup is almost empty, it’s like she knows, and she calls,
“Dee-Ann, hay mas cafe. Voy a traerlo a ti.”
“No es necesario, ya me voy”
But before I can move, she grabs my cup again, singing some ridiculous song in English like “Mamamia” or “I Need a Hero!”. It’s like she has come to totally understand God’s heart when he said, “I didn’t come to be served, but to serve.” I want to be more like her, anxious for nothing but the chance to serve.

And as I sit here, Rosy’s sister rides to work an hour early just to see what time she was suppose to be there because she can’t remember what time it starts today. My gosh, I told Rosie, that would never happen in the states. But then the neighbor, Arturo, (who is 19 and I want to shrink and put in my pocket-sorry Josh) came by to say good-bye and swap emails. Then soon enough Jerry rode up on his bike before we left to give us the cd of the two tracks of songs their band had recorded. Then at noon, he showed up at the bus station for one last goodbye to us all.

I have felt so absolutely cherished here and it certainly didn’t have to be this way, but it has been, and I love you Costa Rica, for all of it.

Just Enough

It's been almost a month that I have been living in the beauty of Costa Rica. One of the most beautiful things about my time here has been that I have lived it without regret. With gentle guidance, I have been able to seize moments. I have been able to see clearly enough to choose more wisely, and sometimes let go of that which at one time weighed heavy on my heart, but eventually faded far enough away.

So how will I describe Costa Rica?

Costa Rica is like a moment when you had every intention of leaving, but then good friends beg you stay. You know the errands won’t get run, you won’t finish the paper, you won’t be prepared for tomorrow, and you will most like be grumpy in the morning, but for whatever its worth, you know that the weight of regret will hurt much more than a simple surrender and yes to this moment here. That’s how Costa Rica pulls on your heart.

Being the maximizer that I am, I am realizing how much regret can destroy me. It takes me a good day to get over seeing a bad movie especially if I had to pay for it. With that in mind, the cost of a bad decision, or hurtful words I spoke jerk and pull on me until I find a way to somehow undo what’s been done. But this month has not been stained with regret. But I think the reason that that’s been possible is not because it’s all rainbows and butterflies here, (though there there mariposas are everywhere), but because my heart is being opened to be thankful for the smaller things.

My cup has been full of these "smaller" things. It’s been full of just enough.....just enough sunshine, rain, challenge, discouragement, connection, rest, awareness, naivety, brokeness....
Just enough sugar in my coffee, humiliation, uncontrollable laughter, thunder, games of Spit, phone calls and emails, silence, just enough time away.

And then over coffee Rosie tells us all that she’s be up to this weekend and what she’s learning, and for once she turns to us to ask us how to say something in english “como se dice en ingles, “estoy aprendiendo como amarla?”

“I am learning how to love her.”
" I em lerning who to lub her."
Exactly.

Just enough learning how to be human.

Speaking of being human....Lauren’s quote of our weekend adventure, drum roll please
“Oh no Dee, don’t worry, I got the fries cause you got the hotel.” I love you Laurie.

Surprise and Delight

The last two weeks have been the beginning of a beautiful release in this season of my life. It has, like many things from God’s hand been undeserved and generous, but what’s more amazing is that I’ve been in a place to receive it all, to truly recognize its worth. Peace has drenched my soul. I have had to fight the feelings of guilt and anxiety, but ultimately I have been released of them too. Not forever I tell myself, I won’t be here forever, but it is a necessary piece, a significant step, and it should not be missed. It has let me believe that it is not in fact silly or worthless to be a hopeless romantic.

I like the way the breezes kiss me these days.
I love that I have walked four different piers in California in two weeks.
Laughing with my roommate has been healing.
I love the way the little fan in my room lulls me to sleep in summer time.
Crepes and coffee are a lovely combination.
I love holding hands and strolling.
And for once, I like to admit that I don’t always know myself as well as I think I do.

And He speaks to me in these quiet moments….
“I was at work in you when you did not have eyes to see it.”
“It is okay to be nurtured.”
“I’m not finished yet.”
“Stay close.”

I would like to affectionately title this summer “Surprise and Delight”. Now I will pray it unfolds.

God's grace to me tonight was that after two hours in a book store on a Friday night, I came out to a car wet with moisture not because it had rained but sheerly because I live so close to the ocean.

That and the fact that peanut butter and jelly sounded divine for dinner tonight.

Melancholy

Night of returning
Staying up later than expected,
longer than most days of recent
Future still uncertain, but my past
It is so many moments
I never venture to
Yet so many smiles, so many ways
They have made me laugh out loud
No I cannot find you in tomorrow
But I am lost in the laughter
And comforted in silence
What grace I have found
In knowing purpose
In knowing value
In knowing life
In loving and being loved
How could I have ever known you would mean so much?
My eyes....my eyes are bright blue
They have been washed again and again
What do you see in them?
O sing, I beg you sing,
Sing my song back to me
It will return

Oh heart, how have you taken me down so many paths?
How are you so wise and aware in this moment
And so foolish in every other?
How can you reach out to heal
But refuse to be touched?
Oh heart, please don't forget that though you know
how to wander much more than you planned,
you were meant to be captured.

Exhaustion sets in
And out of a million tiny silent moments,
I scream
My thoughts have been anything but pretty
I've been clothed in guilt and inability to overcome
And yet you say "stay"
It feels unnatural and uncomfortable
I cannot be what you are looking for
And yet you say "stay"
What I cannot see is taking shape
My senses heighten like a blind man
Piecing together the unknown and intangible
This is not without meaning
But I cannot fight like you fight
I cannot wage war like you do
So as I close my eyes, would you take it on
Would you rise to release me?

Taking Up the Posture

He came to Simon Peter, who asked Him, "Lord, are You going to wash my feet?"
Jesus answered him, "What I'm doing you don't understand now, but afterwards you will know."
"You will never wash my feet—ever!" Peter said.
Jesus replied, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with Me."..........

So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example that you also should do just as I have done for you.

-john 13

In my life, I am always living between extremes of being burnt out, with little time for the essentials like rest and food and having a complete excess of free time to the point that its no longer restful, it puts a drain on my soul. But when it comes down to it, I am much more productive when I have less time. Priorities always become clear in these moments.

In this moment, this is true for Jesus too. His hour has come. 33 years on the earth has all boiled down to these last few moments. I think you can see how aware Jesus is of these moments because he chooses to spend it with those he has become closest with, in an intimate setting, over dinner. No one there wants to be anywhere else. But there is so much weighing on these moments. The man that they have spent every waking moment with, has invested in them, has held them close, believed in them is about to say good-bye. Can you imagine the mix of emotions gathering in this silence?

But Jesus also knew that now it was time to show them the full extent of his love. Hold your breath…this will be his biggest expression. He who defines love will demonstrate it now.

I was in a wedding for the first time two summers ago to celebrate a couple who were both amazingly creative. I loved being in the wedding for the sole purpose that I was fully present for all of it, because I was a participant. But one of the most beautiful parts of the wedding was that they chose to say their vows washing one another’s feet. It was an unforgettable image. Their vow to one another was a vow to consistently consider what might be the best outcome for the other before themselves.

But Jesus chose to wash the feet of the disciples because it had practical relevance. No one had covered shoes and everyone walked miles on dusty roads. Jesus probably was not just rinsing off these feet. He had layers of dirt to uncover.

Jesus asked me to do the same. To wash the feet? Perhaps this means to wash people of all the effects of the pain, destruction, emptiness, loneliness, and exhaustion we pick up simply by living in this world every day. Maybe it means doing all that it takes to offer healing, fulfillment, community, and rest. Perhaps he is saying make it your life’s work that you are defined as a person who brings about these things.

Blessings

It was unlikely tonight. It was strange the way these angels traveled so far to see me.
We went to enjoy lovely ambiance of a little Hawaiian paradise.
We stood and we sipped and told silly stories.
We got food and in between bites,
I began to know a little more and a little more about the lives of these girls
Sisters, and boyfriends, and childhood toys,
Along came birthday soup, with a candle, just no flame.
I laughed and I was free, was sure that I could unleash
and never have to say “I’m sorry”
Just enjoy, just soak in.
I was in the company of sisters, not just friends.

Secret Places

Idyllwild.
Your memory floods me.
Where exactly did you come from?
I’m not sure I want to know.
All I know is that something sparked in me.
It was delighting.
It was the little café.
It was the perfection of the music to the moment.
Electric yet full of peace. You intrigue me.
I was stepping into the best version of my life.
“Just happy to me again” echoes still.
I connected with the powerful, I knew truth.
I was unafraid. I was beautiful. I was enough.
It was knowing what I wanted.
It was being free from expectation.
It was receiving without reservation.
It was all…more than enough.
And I chased the sunrise back home.

What's your secret place?

Oh Starbucks. How I love thee.

And that's a strong statement. I have not always loved Starbucks. It's grown on me. I used to find it stale and uninspiring. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. You can never spread out all your junk on a table. You have to keep it neat and confined.

But I have to say, that like many in our culture, sometimes I crave the "experience"...you know holding a white cup with a mermaid. I am continually amazed at how Starbucks selects the people they hire and what quality interactions I have with the people that take my order. Well done Starbucks, well done. Seriously, a barista (or is it baristo for a guy) who hadn't seen me in over a year said, "you haven't been in here for awhile have you?" I was thinking um ya...smooth, how many times have you used that today....but then he proceeded to tell me who I was with last time! Scawey....yet effective. The church could learn a thing or two here. So on to other things that won me over...ah yes, a green tea latte...um YUMMY! That...and the quotes that they put on those cups.

"You can learn a lot more from listening than talking. Find someone with whom you don't agree with in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don't argue back. It's physically impossible to listen with your mouth open."
-John Moe

On a coffee cup. Brilliant. I need to do SO much less talking.

Letting Go

My brother in laws mom passed away yesterday. These are just the thoughts that have been surfacing. There is no one way to respond to loss like death, other to be in it.

This kind of pain, you can touch it
It is the twisting, wrenching,
It is how the pain inflicts so much that we cannot be still
But yet we cannot accomplish anything
The loss just pulls on us
Makes us weary
Draws us in
And for a moment life is a film void of sound
We move slower and speak less
For words cannot withstand the weight of the moment
How many times must we remind ourselves of what we can not bear to swallow?
How many times before our hearts can take it in?
Not yet, not yet.

Here I Go (Here's to Lauren!)

Trust your yearnings. Trust what you’re drawn too. There is wisdom in the yearnings.
"Don’t ask what the world needs of you. Ask what wakes you up, because what the world need from you is to wake up.”

Good morning. Here is me waking up, or at least trying to.

Oh my, what a journey this is.
It is so strange to me sometimes that we are such complex beings that we can go through an entire day and have a whole myriad of such complex thoughts and responses to so many moments in a day, but yet when someone asks us how my day was, I (for obvious reasons) boil it down to "busy, but good." That's funny for a few reasons. One, who isn't busy? I always say it like its some unique burden I bear. And two, well I would have sworn there were two.

Today I just need to share some random thoughts, but ones I don't want to let go.

One, today was an absolutely gorgeous day. I was struck by it several times today. I can't wait to be able to choose skirts again when I am figuring out what to wear in the morning. You would not believe the battle I fought getting ready just because I realized that I still needed to wear a sweater and that I actually have 3 gray sweaters...I'm sure I bought all of them because they were practical and look good with black pants. Blah.

Since it was such a gorgeous day, I wanted to go for a walk by the water when I got home and then go to my favorite coffee shop to write and read and whatever, but as soon as I got home I quickly realized how tired I really was. I feel so lame for staying in sometimes on week nights for the fear of any week looking just like the last one, that and it means that it is one more night that I wasn't investing in my city a little more. But in all this, I'm recognizing that it is very hard to be realistic about the way I spend my time....because if I am constantly pushing and making room for things in every moment, then I continue to become exhausted and can not truly enjoy those places I find myself. I value quality so much more than quantity. I love to be fully present. I love to be prepared. I love the fullfillment of being intentional. So for that reason, I need to recognize that I need to make more goals, allow space to meet them. For that same reason I think I need to put a little higher value on sleep and rest.

The word missional ehoes in my mind lately. It pushes me on and it haunts me at the same time. I have a new friend who is helping me work through some of my thoughts on being missional. He recently got out of jail and now has a new wife and baby. He also has an electric personality. I don't know how many times I've heard him say in the last month, "Dee, I've got a story for you"...where he then proceeds to tell me how God showed up for him that very day to either him or people directly around him. He defines a life transformed. His body, covered in tattoos, all the residue of the life he used to live...he is now trying to find out how he can get them removed. You just don't expose yourself to that kind of pain unless you believe that you are transformed, that you have a new identity. I see the way he finds the gospel in every moment and exposes it as soon as he sees it. It makes me realize how much I think I am doing for the gospel sometimes only to realize that the only reason I think I'm effective is because I choose to compare myself with people who are not matching up either. At least I'm doing better than them I console myself. Obedience, not perfection Dee. Obedience, not perfection. So strange that I go after perfection because it seems so measurable sometimes and obedience seems so messy. Obedience doesn't glorify me, and perfection tries to.

I pity the fool that has read this far.

I am trying to do some work on understanding StrengthsFinder....more so on how to help people implement their strengths. So in order to do that, I'm going to try to process through some of what I've learned so far. What are the tell-tale signs of a Strength:

Tell-Tale Signs to Look for your own strengths: SIGN (my copy and pasted notes)

Success: probably strength if you are feeling effective
Not all activities that we are effective at actually bring us life
Instincts: there are some activities that you are drawn to, before you do it, are you looking forward to it?
Growth: There are some activities, that why you are doing them, you feel like you are growing or you can stay focused, or time goes by quickly
Needs: How do you feel after the activity is over? What brings satisfaction, or even authenticity? You might be tired, but not exhausted. You are ready for next time.

Activities I Love (from the past week or so):
Hosting (and not leading) small group
Opportunities to communicate before a large group
Sending thank you notes or notes just because
Dinner at Le Creperie with Daniel and Cassidy
Finding a new place to go hiking
Being able to connect with parents in my class more than a surface level conversation
Getting up early to read and have my coffee
Breakfast burritos and the beach with old roommates
Meeting new guests at church
Chatting with teachers in the copy room
Going to Lakin's show at the Jazz Bar
Finding a resources to help me do my job better

These are the activities I love....now I need to go connect them to strengths. More soon. What are the activities you come alive in?