Oh heart, how have you taken me down so many paths?
How are you so wise and aware in this moment
And so foolish in every other?
How can you reach out to heal
But refuse to be touched?
Oh heart, please don't forget that though you know
how to wander much more than you planned,
you were meant to be captured.

Exhaustion sets in
And out of a million tiny silent moments,
I scream
My thoughts have been anything but pretty
I've been clothed in guilt and inability to overcome
And yet you say "stay"
It feels unnatural and uncomfortable
I cannot be what you are looking for
And yet you say "stay"
What I cannot see is taking shape
My senses heighten like a blind man
Piecing together the unknown and intangible
This is not without meaning
But I cannot fight like you fight
I cannot wage war like you do
So as I close my eyes, would you take it on
Would you rise to release me?

Taking Up the Posture

He came to Simon Peter, who asked Him, "Lord, are You going to wash my feet?"
Jesus answered him, "What I'm doing you don't understand now, but afterwards you will know."
"You will never wash my feet—ever!" Peter said.
Jesus replied, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with Me."..........

So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example that you also should do just as I have done for you.

-john 13

In my life, I am always living between extremes of being burnt out, with little time for the essentials like rest and food and having a complete excess of free time to the point that its no longer restful, it puts a drain on my soul. But when it comes down to it, I am much more productive when I have less time. Priorities always become clear in these moments.

In this moment, this is true for Jesus too. His hour has come. 33 years on the earth has all boiled down to these last few moments. I think you can see how aware Jesus is of these moments because he chooses to spend it with those he has become closest with, in an intimate setting, over dinner. No one there wants to be anywhere else. But there is so much weighing on these moments. The man that they have spent every waking moment with, has invested in them, has held them close, believed in them is about to say good-bye. Can you imagine the mix of emotions gathering in this silence?

But Jesus also knew that now it was time to show them the full extent of his love. Hold your breath…this will be his biggest expression. He who defines love will demonstrate it now.

I was in a wedding for the first time two summers ago to celebrate a couple who were both amazingly creative. I loved being in the wedding for the sole purpose that I was fully present for all of it, because I was a participant. But one of the most beautiful parts of the wedding was that they chose to say their vows washing one another’s feet. It was an unforgettable image. Their vow to one another was a vow to consistently consider what might be the best outcome for the other before themselves.

But Jesus chose to wash the feet of the disciples because it had practical relevance. No one had covered shoes and everyone walked miles on dusty roads. Jesus probably was not just rinsing off these feet. He had layers of dirt to uncover.

Jesus asked me to do the same. To wash the feet? Perhaps this means to wash people of all the effects of the pain, destruction, emptiness, loneliness, and exhaustion we pick up simply by living in this world every day. Maybe it means doing all that it takes to offer healing, fulfillment, community, and rest. Perhaps he is saying make it your life’s work that you are defined as a person who brings about these things.

Blessings

It was unlikely tonight. It was strange the way these angels traveled so far to see me.
We went to enjoy lovely ambiance of a little Hawaiian paradise.
We stood and we sipped and told silly stories.
We got food and in between bites,
I began to know a little more and a little more about the lives of these girls
Sisters, and boyfriends, and childhood toys,
Along came birthday soup, with a candle, just no flame.
I laughed and I was free, was sure that I could unleash
and never have to say “I’m sorry”
Just enjoy, just soak in.
I was in the company of sisters, not just friends.

Secret Places

Idyllwild.
Your memory floods me.
Where exactly did you come from?
I’m not sure I want to know.
All I know is that something sparked in me.
It was delighting.
It was the little café.
It was the perfection of the music to the moment.
Electric yet full of peace. You intrigue me.
I was stepping into the best version of my life.
“Just happy to me again” echoes still.
I connected with the powerful, I knew truth.
I was unafraid. I was beautiful. I was enough.
It was knowing what I wanted.
It was being free from expectation.
It was receiving without reservation.
It was all…more than enough.
And I chased the sunrise back home.

What's your secret place?

Oh Starbucks. How I love thee.

And that's a strong statement. I have not always loved Starbucks. It's grown on me. I used to find it stale and uninspiring. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. You can never spread out all your junk on a table. You have to keep it neat and confined.

But I have to say, that like many in our culture, sometimes I crave the "experience"...you know holding a white cup with a mermaid. I am continually amazed at how Starbucks selects the people they hire and what quality interactions I have with the people that take my order. Well done Starbucks, well done. Seriously, a barista (or is it baristo for a guy) who hadn't seen me in over a year said, "you haven't been in here for awhile have you?" I was thinking um ya...smooth, how many times have you used that today....but then he proceeded to tell me who I was with last time! Scawey....yet effective. The church could learn a thing or two here. So on to other things that won me over...ah yes, a green tea latte...um YUMMY! That...and the quotes that they put on those cups.

"You can learn a lot more from listening than talking. Find someone with whom you don't agree with in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don't argue back. It's physically impossible to listen with your mouth open."
-John Moe

On a coffee cup. Brilliant. I need to do SO much less talking.

Letting Go

My brother in laws mom passed away yesterday. These are just the thoughts that have been surfacing. There is no one way to respond to loss like death, other to be in it.

This kind of pain, you can touch it
It is the twisting, wrenching,
It is how the pain inflicts so much that we cannot be still
But yet we cannot accomplish anything
The loss just pulls on us
Makes us weary
Draws us in
And for a moment life is a film void of sound
We move slower and speak less
For words cannot withstand the weight of the moment
How many times must we remind ourselves of what we can not bear to swallow?
How many times before our hearts can take it in?
Not yet, not yet.