Hearing Heart

Right now John Mayer is singing the acoustic version of Free Falling....kinda makes me melt. That has absolutely nothing to do with my thoughts to blog about tonight, but nevertheless very important.

I feel kinda foolish right now. I feel I am not at all what I should be. That is such a negative, vague, and sweeping statement, but it seems true. These feelings mostly have to do with my career right now. It is a strange thing to go to the length of believing that you have a certain vocation or calling on your life and then to not actually be permitted to flourish in it, or at least in the way I had hoped. It’s a very strange thing when you have all the training and passion in the world, but not have a place to invest or channel it the way I had dreamed. It's been two years now of subbing, of being in and out of classrooms and tons of kids lives, sometimes there for a day, sometimes several weeks, and at times even months, but always temporary. And suddenly now, after being able to rest in the fact that I would get multiple calls a day, daily sub jobs are becoming so hard to come by. Last night I went to bed so discouraged with no job that I knew of, adding up all the days that I have not been able to take jobs, and texted Matt, Lauren, Abie, Lynn, and Melissa to pray, and that I was feeling anxious and then woke early to accept a job in....8th grade science. I drove to school and prepared to be devoured. I hardly take middle school jobs, but when I do, many of them I have left depleted and frustrated.

And so running late, I scurried into the office and then a student..named Mercy...no accident it seemed, helped me find my classroom. And the day...seamless. We just talked about inertia and forces and then they took notes, we played a silly get to know you game, and then they were gone. Really awesome kids. But something in me felt like I had been at war…all this a fight to have faith that something really would come through.

But Lynn, with confidence sends me a text saying "God knows what you need. He will provide…” I know Lynn. I know that….why don’t I believe it?

“Before they call, I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear.”

“It is not of course that prayer changes God or awakens in him purposes of love and compassion which he has not already felt. No, it changes us, and therein lies it’s glory and purpose. It helps us to utter dependence on God and gives him the opportunity to confirm our trust in Him and experience his grace in a way which would be absolutely impossible otherwise. He has got everything planned in order to meet all our needs before ever we realize what they are. But in order to teach us this joy of dependence and trust, He waits for us to ask. And perhaps he allows us to miss a very great deal and suffer needless deprivations just because we say, “Prayer doesn’t change God and he knows what I need” No prayer doesn’t change God, but not to make our requests known in joyful trust does deprive Him of the joy of granting our requests, and it does deprive us of the joy of experiencing His loving, intimate interest in every detail of our lives. ” (Hearing Heart, Hannah Hurnard)

I know this…for heavens sake, I took a class on prayer in undergrad. But I don’t think it prompts my actions all that often because well, quite honestly in my prayer life, I’m exhausted. And the only reason I think this could be so is because I really have been using prayer to try to change God’s mind or convince him of something he might not otherwise know….which is all quite arrogant of me, among other things. But if I’m not persuading him to do something, then what is prayer actually “changing”? All I know is that I’m trying…trying to live in that place that screams that if God doesn’t show up, then well, ya. You would think I would be someone who has tasted and seen enough that the Lord is good…that I would believe his love is actually indeed for me too. Why is it is so difficult to get my mind around the idea that God is lovingly and intimately interested in every detail of my life?

I need you...God who sees me....I need you in this vulnerable, passionate, broken place. Engage me.