Hope's Song

I remember the moon tonight
I remember how in my fear and brokenness I cried out to her
And in her confidence and wholeness she spoke to me
She showed me the sliver of moon that hung above
She told me of how I was this piece
That I was not insufficient, just not yet complete
I would have to understand the stages, the steps
I would have to trust that there is a process
And that this, this moment was not an end in itself
Yet I must not wait to sing,
That tonight I must still sing

I will praise you in the darkness
When you are preparing to make yourself known in me
I will praise you when I am in the midst of this
When there are glimpses of hope that help me hunger for more of you yet.
I will praise you in the fullness of moon
When your presence is undeniable and your glory so visible even to my doubting stubborn human heart

I will praise you for there is no part of life where you do not dwell.

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"
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." I timothy 1:16

Stillness. Wholeness.

After a whole week of spring break, I come back to have to leave half way through the day because of a stinking ear infection. I learned just how frustrating and painful those are. I hated that I had to leave work and then skip my after school job, knowing what it does to leave someone hanging, but there are just certain points where you are out of options, and you have to just stop. I feel like perhaps God uses sickness to force me into stillness because it is so hard to savor, especially for anyone, if you're like me who derives way too much of their worth from what can be accomplished in a single day. But the truth is, though I could have read and watched a ton of TV today, I really savored the moment that I finally found the perfect niche of all four pillows, the pain killers started to kick in, the room was dark, and the only thing I could hear is the soft breeze gently knocking those ridiculous vertical blinds in my bedroom. And for a moment, I am still, for a moment, I choose to trust that being a child of God is realized in moments like these, where I can offer absolutely nothing, but am still loved.

My roommate and I are close to our 3rd anniversary in our apartment we live in now. And as I sit on the porch, and that same breeze from this afternoon kisses me again, I remember our first night here and how she and I watched the sunset off the balcony and laughed as I helped clarify that we did not in fact have an ocean view, which she had claimed when she was trying to sell me on the place. Funny to think I never thought it would be the same apartment that she would show me pictures of wedding dresses she's been eyeing and that I would tell her what I thought. SO many moments in those three years that have defined us and shaped us and brought us to this moment now. She has taught me about authentic community and how I am created to live in it. There are no regrets, and yet tonight all of that is embraced between two beautiful perfect sunset nights on a balcony we intended to spend way much more time on. I'm here now. That's all that counts.

Hearing Heart

Right now John Mayer is singing the acoustic version of Free Falling....kinda makes me melt. That has absolutely nothing to do with my thoughts to blog about tonight, but nevertheless very important.

I feel kinda foolish right now. I feel I am not at all what I should be. That is such a negative, vague, and sweeping statement, but it seems true. These feelings mostly have to do with my career right now. It is a strange thing to go to the length of believing that you have a certain vocation or calling on your life and then to not actually be permitted to flourish in it, or at least in the way I had hoped. It’s a very strange thing when you have all the training and passion in the world, but not have a place to invest or channel it the way I had dreamed. It's been two years now of subbing, of being in and out of classrooms and tons of kids lives, sometimes there for a day, sometimes several weeks, and at times even months, but always temporary. And suddenly now, after being able to rest in the fact that I would get multiple calls a day, daily sub jobs are becoming so hard to come by. Last night I went to bed so discouraged with no job that I knew of, adding up all the days that I have not been able to take jobs, and texted Matt, Lauren, Abie, Lynn, and Melissa to pray, and that I was feeling anxious and then woke early to accept a job in....8th grade science. I drove to school and prepared to be devoured. I hardly take middle school jobs, but when I do, many of them I have left depleted and frustrated.

And so running late, I scurried into the office and then a student..named Mercy...no accident it seemed, helped me find my classroom. And the day...seamless. We just talked about inertia and forces and then they took notes, we played a silly get to know you game, and then they were gone. Really awesome kids. But something in me felt like I had been at war…all this a fight to have faith that something really would come through.

But Lynn, with confidence sends me a text saying "God knows what you need. He will provide…” I know Lynn. I know that….why don’t I believe it?

“Before they call, I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear.”

“It is not of course that prayer changes God or awakens in him purposes of love and compassion which he has not already felt. No, it changes us, and therein lies it’s glory and purpose. It helps us to utter dependence on God and gives him the opportunity to confirm our trust in Him and experience his grace in a way which would be absolutely impossible otherwise. He has got everything planned in order to meet all our needs before ever we realize what they are. But in order to teach us this joy of dependence and trust, He waits for us to ask. And perhaps he allows us to miss a very great deal and suffer needless deprivations just because we say, “Prayer doesn’t change God and he knows what I need” No prayer doesn’t change God, but not to make our requests known in joyful trust does deprive Him of the joy of granting our requests, and it does deprive us of the joy of experiencing His loving, intimate interest in every detail of our lives. ” (Hearing Heart, Hannah Hurnard)

I know this…for heavens sake, I took a class on prayer in undergrad. But I don’t think it prompts my actions all that often because well, quite honestly in my prayer life, I’m exhausted. And the only reason I think this could be so is because I really have been using prayer to try to change God’s mind or convince him of something he might not otherwise know….which is all quite arrogant of me, among other things. But if I’m not persuading him to do something, then what is prayer actually “changing”? All I know is that I’m trying…trying to live in that place that screams that if God doesn’t show up, then well, ya. You would think I would be someone who has tasted and seen enough that the Lord is good…that I would believe his love is actually indeed for me too. Why is it is so difficult to get my mind around the idea that God is lovingly and intimately interested in every detail of my life?

I need you...God who sees me....I need you in this vulnerable, passionate, broken place. Engage me.

January 13

It was hard to wake today
I wanted it, to hold the day
But I was to weak to clench it
So I lay there and spoke to sunlight
She encouraged me
Wading through days of mornings far too rushed
I drive far too recklessly,
Chances are I always will
And with a new friend I play with laughter and melodies
hOPE.
My hands tremble
Will anyone see?
They could never know the battle that raged in my body.
I did not back down, I will not surrender
You will know me with the heart of a warrior.
Silent though I stay, its not for lack of words,
Just the awareness of this moment.

all

All I want to know today Lord is that you are big enough
for the mess I've made inside myself.
All I want to know is that yes, there are even words for this heart here.
All I want to know is that if what was meant to be learned is still yet to be learned, that your grace would be my classroom.
All I want to know is that I'm not too much for you.
That's all I want.

Be More Quiet Now....

I just needed to be silenced with this today:

Ecclesiastes 5
Have Respect for God
1 Be careful what you say when you go to God's house. Go there to listen. Don't be like foolish people when you offer your sacrifice. They do what is wrong and don't even know it.

2 Don't be too quick to speak.
Don't be in a hurry to say anything to God.
He is in heaven. You are on earth.
So use only a few words when you speak.
3 Dreams come to people when they worry a lot.
When foolish people talk, they use too many words.

I'm Barb's daughter.

It is pretty common for kids to be more naturally drawn to one parent or the other. I feel like I'm lucky enough to have grown to need to be both a daddy's girl and a my momma's girl at the same time. But this is why I'm my momma's girl.

I got to spend a lot of important moments with my mom, just mom and me time growing up. Summer days and the hours just after school belonged to us. I loved doing even the silly mundane things with her like grocery store shopping simply because we were together...that and because if I went I always got to pick out my own treats for my lunches and snacks. "I think you need that," she would often say even though we both knew I could certainly do without razzleberry Squeeze Its.

My mom does a lot of things well, but one thing I love about her is that she does a good job making sure everyone has their favorite things. Favorite cookie. Favorite blanket. Favorite T.V. show. Favorite beer. Favorite smell....just because she knows that a life full of favorite things make people's cups full, and when their cup is full, people are inclined to be more generous....and being generous is fun.

And if by making sure someone's favorite kind of cookie is on the shelf, you have inspired someone to be more generous, than that's just sheer brillance.

Love you momma. Here's to you.